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The Eclectic Pen - Car Slayer

By: LC P. (smallorder)   + 4 more  
Date Submitted: 4/11/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 402

  A car slayer is what my ex labeled me because of all
the cars that died while I was driving them, butt...we
always bought cheap old cars (because he rarely worked
and we couldn't afford anything better) and he never
counted the three cars he killed (consecutively) in
auto accidents (we didn't have collision insurance
just liability). Then there was the 14 year old
Cadillac we had whose entire exhaust system dropped
off when I arrived at work one day. The interesting
thing about that was the car sounded soooo much
quieter after that;o)

Anyway, technically, my son has taken up the banner of "car slayer" in the family. He killed five cars in less than a year and a half because he would buy them at auction and not put any
oil in them until after a few days. One died within
two hours of him buying it. Eventually he learned to
add oil the minute it was his, and to change the oil
and tune it up the minute he got it home.

A couple of years ago he asked me where to get lambs
blood. I looked at my son with one of "those"
squinty-eyed, what the $#@! are you thinking looks.
It took a moment, but eventually I figured out what
was going on in his brilliant though weird brain. I
replied, "Honey, Jews don't use lamb's blood any more
to put on doorways to tell the Angel of Death Jews
and/or Isrealites live here. They use mazuzas. I'll
get you one for your car."

So, I went online and scoured the Judaica websites and
found one that had some lovely "car mazuzas." When I
was growing up, we always had one on our front door to
the house, but I had never heard of one for a car. So
I ordered him one. I have no idea what happened to it
since that car lasted a few months longer than the
others, but not a whole lot longer;o)

Anyway, this is from my smart assy older daughter who
was just making a joke. Take note she has me dying at
age 90, so she doesn't want to do me in anytime soon.

And as for Spike Mulligan's epitaph ("See, I told you I was sick"), that is what I was going to put on my ex's tomestone if we were still married when he died, because he definitely was/is a hypochondriac. But since he divorced me on the grounds of "manical bitch," he'll have to settle with whatever he gets.


car slayer

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by LC P. (smallorder)

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Comments 1 to 2 of 2
Marta J. (booksnob) - 4/13/2007 11:41 AM ET
Pretty funny, especially being the Passover season. I have a mezuzzah on almost every doorway of my home, and have always thought that car mezuzzot (Hebrew plural there) were really funny and kitschy. Though amusing, I guess they don't provide a whole lot of good mojo to an ailing vehicle...
Paula H. (PJean63) - 4/13/2007 2:53 PM ET
I can completely identify with the "car slayer" appelation. I drive rural route mail and boy is it hard on vehicles! I like the term "Tyrannical Bitch" much better, I think I'll have it put on a t-shirt! LOLOLOLOL Despite what one would think, I have had very good luck with auction cars and second hand vehicles. My last one was a '79 Chevy Nova that I drove on the route for 8 years(bought for $100) I sold it to a rebuilder fella for $600. LOL
Comments 1 to 2 of 2