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The Eclectic Pen - A Chain Letter

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 1/6/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 811

  With Love, All Things Are Possible.(Except for time travel, of course).

Upon receiving this e-mail, kiss someone you love and make magic. Or kiss someone you hate and make voodoo. Or kiss someone you feel indifferent about and make pudding. Just kiss somebody. With love, all things are possible, with the exception of faster-than-light travel and talking your way out of a parking ticket.

This e-mail has been sent to you for good luck, whether you want it or not. Originating in England, it has been around the world nine times, and yet this is the first youíve heard about it. Maybe if you read your mail more often, you might have caught this on the fifth or sixth loop. Regardless of your tardiness, this luck has now been sent to you. You will receive good luck within four working days of receiving this, disregarding holidays, weekends, and the long-term effects of Daylight Savings, give or take a few hours, provided that you are willing to annoy your friends and family as much as receiving this has annoyed you.

This is no joke, so please stop giggling. I mean it, stop that. Send no money, as forcing change into the slots of your computer may violate the warrantee. Fate has no price, although its barter value is equal to one case of Twinkies, or three large chickens. This e-mail must be sent to others within 96 hours, or else bad things will happen to you, thus making this e-mail a carrier of bad luck, in which case disregard all previous mentions of good luck.

A Kmart employee followed the rules and won a raffle for $270,000. Marcus Leonardo broke the chain, and had to walk his bike the rest of the way home. A Wisconsin widow found $2.40 worth of dimes in an unopened pickle jar. George W. Bush followed the rules, and look where he ended up. See, itís as easy as that. Elliot Jones received an inheritance of $500,000, but broke the chain and lost it all at the track. Gene Harvey won a free vacation before receiving this e-mail, but waited six days to circulate it, and then when visiting the Philippines a week later, he was brutally beheaded by an angry mob. See, weíre not kidding around about the four day rule.

This chain started in Venezuela, where it was written by a rather mischievous South American missionary known as Anthony Saul DeGrout. He wished to spread good luck throughout the world, but also felt the need to severely punish those who would turn away such a grand gift. Mr. DeGrout is funny that way. Did we mention you must send out twenty copies of this e-mail? We wouldnít want to anger the generous Mr. DeGrout, would we? Send out the twenty copies, and good things will happen. This is true. Honest. Would we lie to you?

Havenít convinced you yet, eh? Try this one: Constantidian received the chain in 1953. Back then this was a postal chain, as there was no Internet, and receiving an e-mail would have been impossible, even with love. We do not know who or what Constantidian is, but weíve learned not to question the facts regarding this chainís history. Consider it a new rule. Anyway, he asked his secretary to mail out twenty copies, and a few days later won a lottery for $30,000, which was quite a bit of money back then. Of course, the secretary that actually did all of the work received nothing, not even a sausage, but nobody said that chain letters were fair. David Hirsch, an employee in Constantidianís company, failed to send it out in time. He lost his job the next day. Of course, Constantidian was the boss that fired him, and he did show up to work two hours late and six sheets to the wind, but this still counts.

Melanie Childs didnít believe in the power of luck and deleted this e-mail without even reading it. She died mysteriously fourteen days later. We didnít kill her; did we say we killed her? Of course we didnít. She just deleted the e-mail, and then died shortly after. Besides, she had it coming. Sadie Wong received the e-mail, but her computer crashed before she could send it out again. Her car was stolen, then returned with all of the radio stations reprogrammed, and she began growing hair on her knees at an alarming rate. There is no excuse for breaking the four day rule. But once the computer was fixed, she sent the e-mails out, and a week later she went on a game show and won a brand new car and an electric razor. We felt kind of sorry for her, but donít think that lets you off the hook.

Do not ignore this e-mail. You have been warned. Good luck!

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

Member Comments

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Comments 1 to 7 of 7
Helen K. (Billie-K) - 1/6/2007 11:42 PM ET
Makes as much sense as most of the "real" chain letters out there... And much more fun to read!
Lauren C. (Hutt5) - 1/8/2007 6:54 PM ET
LOVED this! Thanks for the giggle!
Claire F. (Blaidd) - 1/8/2007 9:27 PM ET
That was ssooooooo funny! copied it and going to send to my dad! and my aunt! and anybody i can find to send it to!
Maria P. (BklynMom) - , - 1/9/2007 7:19 AM ET
Thanks for covering all the bases. I am free from e-chains once more!
Kristen D. - 4/21/2007 12:39 PM ET
Lol!!! I agree with this and the comments above mine! I HATE chain letters! They are a pain in the *ss!!
katzpawz - 7/27/2007 1:20 PM ET
This is Laugh Out Loud funny!
J - 2/22/2011 11:27 PM ET
That was hilarious!
Comments 1 to 7 of 7