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The Eclectic Pen - The Last Diet You Will Ever Need

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 12/29/2006
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 855

  Are you slightly heavy? Thick? Husky? Chunky? Overweight? Fat? Corpulent? Morbidly obese? Freakishly large? Too fat to live? Humorously large? Or you the well deserved butt of countless jokes and taunts form friends, family, coworkers, and casual strangers? Can people tell just by looking at you that an early heart attack and piano crate coffin lie in your immediate future? Are you less than perfect, and nowhere close to the extreme ideals set for us by the faultless and accurate people in the entertainment industry? Are you one of those ever-growing number of people that just refuse to stay thin within society’s strict standards, guaranteeing a less then satisfying life as you attempt to blend in with those skinnier, and therefore more worthy, than you? Are a fat freak that would have been sold to the gypsies in less enlightened times?

Well, fear for your own immortal soul (because even the pearly gates say “Please, no fatties”) no more! The fine minds behind Ultratrimfastquick, one of the most revolutionary diet systems to come out of marketing and consumer research in the past month, is your new personal savior!

If you’re a fat bastard with no real net worth to the world around you, you’ve probably tried a myriad of diet plans. Atkins, Dr. Phil, Shape Up, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Fit America, Low Carb, Low Fat, Low Calorie, Anabolic, Fat Flush, The Zone, Somersizing, Stomach Staples, Sugarbusters, Subway, Mayo Clinic, Fruitarian, Vegetarian, Thermadrol, Xenadrine, Phen-Phen, Hydroxycut, Xantrex 3, Hollywood, Cabbage Soup, Mediterranean, GI, Nutrislim, Stacker 2, Scarsdale. All of these false prophets have promised you salvation, but have failed time and time again, building up your hopes and dreams of being an active and important member of society, only to have them dashed against the rocks in much the same way that your parents should have done with you when you were still a chubby little baby.

Yes, all of these diet programs and medications have promised to help you lose your unsightly and unholy fat by focusing on specific areas of fat cell production and disposal, but every one falls short in the long run. That is why Ultratrimfastquick succeeds where other bogus diet plans fail! Using a complex and clinically unproven combination of surgical mutilation, strict food intake rules, forced regularity and vomiting, brain washing through the eradication of self-esteem and personal worth, ruthless and emotionally draining group therapy sessions, and highly controversial dietary supplements and almost all natural metabolic boosters, Ultratrimfastquick covers all of the bases, ensuring that where one program might flounder, another will pick up the slack.

Now, at this point you are probably wondering how our revolutionary diet system holds up to the dedicated scrutiny of the medical industry. This is a fair question, especially since the research and development team at UltratrimfastquickBioMedChemTechInc has advised the marketing department against releasing our current success/failure statistics and mortality rates. Unfortunately, there is no current documented proof that backs up our amazing claims. But why hold out on your judgment in lieu of painstaking research at the hands of trained medical professionals, when you can be persuaded by a handful of random blurbs from unconfirmed real people! Just listen to these testimonials!

“I used to a pathetic waste of flesh, just taking up undeserved space in the world. But then I found Ultratrimfastquick! The good people at Ultratrimfastquick helped me take off enough weight to allow me to be accepted as a real human being.”

“Thanks to the Ultratrimfastquick plan, I can now be a father to my children, a husband to my wife, and a member of society.”

“I was only ten pounds overweight, but a late night ad for Ultratrimfastquick helped me to realize how disgusting and worthless I was. Thank you, Ultratrimfastquick!”

“I’ve never been lucky enough to be overtaken by any extreme eating disorders that would keep me at an acceptable body type for my overbearing and irrationally selective age group. Now, with Ultratrimfastquick, I can pay someone to force me into a level of introspective agony that no eating disorder could ever promise me. Thanks, Ultratrimfastquick!”

But don’t take the word of these supposedly real people for it. Try it yourself! What have you got to lose, besides the venomous poundage that keeps you from being one of the accepted beautiful people? Call us today; it might just be the call that changes your life forever. And remember the Ultratrimfastquick motto: If our diet plan doesn’t make you as thin as society thinks you should be, you might as well kill yourself.

Disclaimer: Ultratrimfastquick does not guarantee weight loss. Results may vary. Side effects include constipation, diarrhea, clammy palms, heavy sweating, dry mouth, dandruff, dry &itchy skin, fallen arches, infertility, priapism, impotence, social unease, baldness, body hair growth in unusual places, growth of uncommon secondary sex characteristics, blindness, partial paralysis, sudden and unexplainable death, and unexpected weight gain. Any fatalities during the use of the Ultratrimfastquick diet plan does not represent any fault by UltratrimfastquickBioMedChemTechInc, but is demonstrative of Darwin’s theory of survival of the species through natural selection, as all fat people are better off dead, anyway. Not available in Oregon, Maryland, or Tennessee.

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

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Comments 1 to 12 of 12
Veronica N. (VeronicaNagy) - 12/30/2006 12:02 AM ET
This is so disgusting.........
Tanya M. (smeghead) - 12/30/2006 6:01 AM ET
I'm not sure about this piece. It's not because of the subject matter but I feel like maybe it needed to be a little more subtle. It does make me not want to see another weight loss ad. Makes me feel I might even want to strangle Jared.
bookaddict - 12/30/2006 8:42 AM ET
Scott, you are freaking hilarious! Thank you so much for this. I really enjoyed it. Reminds me of "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball" LOL...
Jane (Rapunzelcat) - 12/30/2006 2:36 PM ET
Your put-downs of overweight people are so over-the-top that they take away from what you seem to be going for: making fun of the diet industry. It makes the reader wonder if you MEAN to insult fat people so much, or if it's supposed to be part of the point you're trying to make.
Joanne L. (00JOANNE00) - 12/30/2006 5:08 PM ET
If I were obese this would make me suicidal; is that the point of your humor? A poor attempt at satire that ends up being a look into the black side of the writer's heart... a very sad waste of space and time.
bookaddict - 12/30/2006 8:05 PM ET
This is clearly satire. Over-the-top is the *point*. “I was only ten pounds overweight, but a late night ad for Ultratrimfastquick helped me to realize how disgusting and worthless I was. Thank you, Ultratrimfastquick!” Come on. It's classic satire, partly about how society makes people feel bad about their bodies. Read "A Modest Proposal", a venerated example of satirical writing. Jonathan Swift wasn't telling ppl to cook and eat poor Irish children. But that's what his essay said! It was a commentary on how little society valued poor Irish children. A more modern example is Dave Barry. This makes me laugh each time I re-read it, Scott. :)
Melissa M. (saffie) - 12/31/2006 6:06 AM ET
Wonderful. And I thought satire was a lost art! :) Thank you!
LeAnn L. (Fictionite) - 1/2/2007 11:17 AM ET
Oh, you are so bad! But, I smiled through the entire piece. The humor is both stupid and sophisticated -- like an SNL skit. Loved it, but Honey, find a proofreader.
Angela C. (rolltide1al) - , - 1/2/2007 5:39 PM ET
Lol, that's a good one!
Claire F. (Blaidd) - 1/8/2007 9:53 PM ET
This was so funny! I know, other people are saying that you're making fun of fat people, but you're not, you're making fun of the industry. although this was rather dark, I enjoyed it.
Courtney Z. - 3/1/2007 4:16 PM ET
Not your best work. Again, you tend to wordiness where you need pith, but you have the gem of comic genius. Keep it up and KEEP EDITING!!
Sabrina H. (sharper36) - 11/6/2008 9:13 PM ET
Some people just don't get dark humor. I found this quite funny. I am wondering why you left out Oregon, Maryland and Tennessee? Did you pick those 3 states at random or was there a reason you excluded them?
Comments 1 to 12 of 12