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The Eclectic Pen - Virus

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 12/29/2006
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 892

  *Department of Homeland Security Wiretap Transcript #54379815327, recorded from cell-phone conversation taking place March 23, 2006 10:47AM.*


CALLER: Jimmy?

R: Hi Mordecai. Whatís up?

C: Whatís up? Whatís up with you? I thought you were coming over today and give me a hand with this insulation.

R: Oh! Sorry, Mord. Iíve been a little preoccupied this morning.

C: Everything okay?

R: WellÖ *pause* Iíve been stuck in the bathroom for the past three hours.

C: Oh, man. Iíve been there before. Probably a virus.

R: Thatís what I was thinking.

C: Are you headachy and feverish?

R: Huh? No, Iím fine. Just a bit shaken up, I guess.

C: Oh, maybe itís just food poisoning then. Are you vomiting a lot?

R: Why would I be vomiting?

C: Christ, I donít know, Jim. Iím just trying to help. What kind of virus do you think it is?

R: Iím not sure. I didnít get a very good look at it.

C: How close of a look do you need? You donít have to pick it up and examine it, for Christís sake. You just glance at it before you flush.

R: Flush what? I havenít seen it since I slammed the door on it.

C: Slammed the door on what?

R: The virus.

C: UmÖ *long pause* so youÖ you donít have a virus.

R: No. Itís more like the virus has me. Iíve been barricaded in here all morning.

C: Because thereís aÖ *pause* virus on the other side.

R: Right, exactly.

C: Okay, Jimmy. Letís walk through this. How do you know thereís a virus on the other side of the door?

R: Because I saw it, thatís how.

C: You saw it?

R: Yeah. I came in here to take a leak before going over to your place, and when I went to leave, it was standing at the other end of the hall.

C: There was a virus standing at the other end of the hall.

R: Yes. Well, not really standing. No legs. It was just sort of sitting there.

C: What did it look like?

R: You know those pictures you always see of single-celled organisms, the ones that always look like a photo negative of a fried egg with tentacles?

C: I guess, yeah. It looked like that?

R: Exactly like that, except about two feet high and tinted day-glow yellow.

*long silence*

R: You still there, Mord?

C: Yeah. Listen, JimmyÖ *pause* Are you sure you donít have a fever? This could be a delusional thing, orÖ

R: I should have known youíd say something like that. Thatís the same attitude the Animal Control people took.

C: You called Animal Control?

R: Who else am I going to call?

C: I donít know. If it really is a virus, maybe you should have called a hospital or something.

R: Iím sure the Emergency room would have the same reaction Animal Control did.

C: Why, what did they say?

R: The first time I called, they thought I was cranking them. The second time they told me to wait until the drugs wore off. Eventually I convinced them I wasnít high or putting them on, but Iím pretty sure they still thought I was a nut job.

C: So they didnít help at all?

R: The best they could do was suggest I spray some bactine under the door.

C: No good?

R: No. I think it just made it mad.

C: This is crazy. Even if you did see it, how do you know itís still there?

R: I can hear it on the other side.

C: Hear it doing what?

R: Every now and then it kind of scratches at the door. Except it doesnít really have claws, just those slimy tentacle thingsÖ

C: Flagellum?

R: I donít know what you call them, I barely passed Biology.

C: I keep telling you, you need to watch more educational television.

R: Donít start the Discovery Channel bullshit now! Iím trapped in my bathroom by a dog-sized germ cell! What am I going to do?

C: Alright, calm down. Iíll be honest, Jimmy. I think youíre overreacting.

R: Overreacting?

C: Listen to me. Letís just say that you arenít completely insane, and the thing that you think is on the other side of the door isnít just a stray dog or your own shadow. Think about it. Virusí usually attack immune systems and blood cells, things like that. They donít actually attack people themselves. Right?

R: I guess. Whatís your point?

C: If, and I mean IF, there is a virus on the other side of the door, whatís the danger? It doesnít have claws or legs, you said so yourself. I figure the worst it can do is bump up against your leg, in which case you can just drop-kick the thing into the wall and run away.

R: You think so?

C: Iím positive. Iíll stay on the phone with you if you feel safer, but I really think you should just open the door.

R: And youíll stay on the phone with me?

C: Iím right here, buddy. Open the door and face this thing. Whatís the worst it could be, Avian Flu?

R: I couldnít be that, it didnít have wings.

C: I donít think thatís how it worksÖ never mind, youíre right, it canít even be that bad. Go on man, just do it!

R: Okay! Hold on.

*sound of door unlatched and opening*

R: Hey there buddy, are you lost?

*sounds of sudden scuffle followed by crunching sounds and screams*

C: Jimmy? Jimmy! Are you okay?

R: Mord! Itís a flesh eating virus! Help, itís got my leg! AHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGG!

C: Hang in there, Jimmy, Iíll be right there!

*line disconnects*

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by Scott W. (Rev)

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5
Alice R. (Porse) - 12/30/2006 3:46 AM ET
Heh heh... but what did homeland security decide to do about it?
Tanya M. (smeghead) - 12/30/2006 6:02 AM ET
That was funny. I have to look around the corner... make sure there are no viruses waiting it eat me.
Ed M. - 12/30/2006 7:40 PM ET
What happens to Mord?
Melissa M. (saffie) - 12/31/2006 6:08 AM ET
:) :) :)
Kathleen C. (auntsassy) - 1/1/2007 7:58 PM ET
Great story! Loved it!
Comments 1 to 5 of 5