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The Eclectic Pen - What's So Funny About A Kidney Stone?

By: IONE L. (zaneygraylady)   + 85 more  
Date Submitted: 2/8/2007
Last Updated: 2/11/2007
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 1,133

  I've heard the pain of a kidney stone compares to the pain of labor. I've had four kids, three natural including a ten pound eleven ounce baby and one c-section and I can tell you they are right. The only difference is a kidney stone brings you no joy, but kids do until they reach their teenage years but that is another painful story.
The first time I had a kidney stone I went to the doctor and got drugs for the pain. I was sent home for the stone to pass and ended up in the emergency room, got better drugs and was sent home to finally passed the stone in a stupor.
I had my second kidney stone about a year later. This time I skipped the doctor and went straight to the emergency room. When I got to the ER the clerk noticed my name right away and said,"Are you the Ione from the switchboard?"
That should have clued me in to what was coming. I happeded to work in this same hospital as a switchboard operator. That would not have been a problem if my name were normal like Sue, Mary, or Linda, but with a name like Ione I am not anonymous. We are required to give our name with our greeting and I get many calls within the hospital asking me to page doctors and connect calls. Even though most people don't know me by face they know me by name.
Mothers say always wear clean underwear in case you have to go to the hospital. What nitwit dosen't wear clean underwear now days? It never occured to me that I should keep my legs shaved in case I had to go to the emergency room. I shave my legs in the summer but when the winter comes I don't shave unless I have to wear a dress. I had no reason to wear a dress since there were no weddings in my family that winter so I let my legs go European.
I got to my curtained cubicle in ER and was handed the standard flimsy hospital gown and told to put it on and lay on the cart. Meanwhile I'm feeling like I'm in the stage of labor just before you push but without the relief between contractions. It's so bad that I pray to God, "Pleast take me now" with all sincerity.
Finally my nurse comes and it's someone I know, Matt. He dated a former switchboard operator a few years ago. My coworker had told me he really liked sex, which seemed like an oxymoron to me since all men really like sex, but that's what came to my mind whenever I would see him. He was still extremly good looking.
Matt asks me how I'm doing and I tell him I have a kidney stone and I need drugs. He informs me that as soon as the doctor sees me I will get some drugs but first some tests have to be run and he hands me a cup to pee in. I come back with my cup of pee in this pathetic gown with legs like a hairy monkey in extreme pain begging again for drugs. I get on my cart and am in so much pain I'm about to throw up. Matt runs to get me a bowl and just before he hands it to me I throw up all over myself narrowly missing him. Matt hands me another gown and I change into it. Meanwhile we see a man being transported down the hallway and my husband Dave says loud enough for everyone to hear, "Hey Ione, you have more hair on your legs than that guy."
Now comes a transport tech that I also know. Another guy. He says he there to take me to radiology. When I get to radiology the radiology tech says, "Are you the Ione from switchboard?" I'm wondering where all the women in the hospital are. The transport tech takes me back to my cubicle and I have to wait for the doctor to look at the x-ray. Its been well over an hour and Matt comes back to see how I'm doing and I say, "I want drugs."
Finally the doctor comes to see me. Thankfully she is a woman. She says, "You have a kidney stone." and I reply, "I want drugs." Much to my relief she tells Matt to get my drugs, in fact I get an injection. The doctor tells me that my stone is too big to pass and I am scheduled for lithotripsy tomorrow. A lithotripsy is a machine that pulverizes the stones with sound waves making them small enough to pass. Meanwhile I have to have a stent placed in my ureter to push the stone back up to my kidney.
Another transport tech that also knows me takes me to surgery and am told to sit on the side of the cart and hold on to the arms of this guy, probably a surgery tech, so they can move me. I was pretty much out of it but I'm feeling pretty good now. The only thing I remember is how beautiful his muscular arms looked to me. It took every ounce of my failing reason to stop myself from embracing him and burying my head in his chest. That is the last thing I remember until I got to my room.
I was still pretty sedated when I had the lithotripsy procedure. I was told it wouldn't hurt but it felt like I was getting the crap punched out of my kidney.
They were going to send me home but my husband said, "no way" so I got to spend the night. That night I got a lot of visits from my coworkers although I don't remember any of them. I was sent home the next day. No on told me that I would still have to pee out stone pieces and for some reason I was off my drugs. They advised me to take Tylenol which didn't help at all.
I was off work for a week. When I got back to work my coworkers told me I was really talking strange when I was in the hospital. I told them I didn't even remember seeing them and they said that was good. When I asked what I said that was so strange no on would tell me they all just laughed. That's when I said,"What's so funny about a kidney stone?"

The Eclectic Pen » All Stories by IONE L. (zaneygraylady)

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Comments 1 to 5 of 5
Lydia S. (sharif47170) - 2/10/2007 11:27 AM ET
Very cute and funny. I've never had a kidney stone, but I've witnessed the rest of my family suffering through it! I really enjoyed it and look forward to "additional stores" about this or something else funny. "Keep writing."
katzpawz - 2/10/2007 6:57 PM ET
Trauma humor is a bit like gallows humor. You hit it right on the mark! Also, I think your name is lovely!
Meranda P. (Meranda) - 2/10/2007 10:34 PM ET
Amen sister! I can totally relate (right down to the hairy legged winters)! I had an IV and a dose of morphine and while I still felt some of the pain, the morphine made me drunk enough to not care. Imagine my surprise when after peeing in the filter I find that my horribly painful stone was ridiculously tiny!
Rob H. - 2/11/2007 10:50 PM ET
Good story with enjoyable humor. I look forward to reading more. I am nurse and have also been a patient at my own hospital - I was embarassed but yet felt I received very good personalized care.
Lisa F. (MrsFreeman) - 2/12/2007 4:20 PM ET
Great story! You have such a good voice in your writing! The ending was a little weak, but overall a VERY enjoyable read! :-D
Comments 1 to 5 of 5