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The Eclectic Pen - Virus

By: Scott W. (Rev)   + 36 more  
Date Submitted: 12/29/2006
Genre: Humor & Entertainment » Humor
Words: 892
Rating:

*Department of Homeland Security Wiretap Transcript #54379815327, recorded from cell-phone conversation taking place March 23, 2006 10:47AM.* RECIPIENT: Hello? CALLER: Jimmy? R: Hi Mordecai. What’s up? C: What’s up? What’s up with you? I thought you were coming over today and give me a hand with this insulation. R: Oh! Sorry, Mord. I’ve been a little preoccupied this morning. C: Everything okay? R: Well… *pause* I’ve been stuck in the bathroom for the past three hours. C: Oh, man. I’ve been there before. Probably a virus. R: That’s what I was thinking. C: Are you headachy and feverish? R: Huh? No, I’m fine. Just a bit shaken up, I guess. C: Oh, maybe it’s just food poisoning then. Are you vomiting a lot? R: Why would I be vomiting? C: Christ, I don’t know, Jim. I’m just trying to help. What kind of virus do you think it is? R: I’m not sure. I didn’t get a very good look at it. C: How close of a look do you need? You don’t have to pick it up and examine it, for Christ’s sake. You just glance at it before you flush. R: Flush what? I haven’t seen it since I slammed the door on it. C: Slammed the door on what? R: The virus. C: Um… *long pause* so you… you don’t have a virus. R: No. It’s more like the virus has me. I’ve been barricaded in here all morning. C: Because there’s a… *pause* virus on the other side. R: Right, exactly. C: Okay, Jimmy. Let’s walk through this. How do you know there’s a virus on the other side of the door? R: Because I saw it, that’s how. C: You saw it? R: Yeah. I came in here to take a leak before going over to your place, and when I went to leave, it was standing at the other end of the hall. C: There was a virus standing at the other end of the hall. R: Yes. Well, not really standing. No legs. It was just sort of sitting there. C: What did it look like? R: You know those pictures you always see of single-celled organisms, the ones that always look like a photo negative of a fried egg with tentacles? C: I guess, yeah. It looked like that? R: Exactly like that, except about two feet high and tinted day-glow yellow. *long silence* R: You still there, Mord? C: Yeah. Listen, Jimmy… *pause* Are you sure you don’t have a fever? This could be a delusional thing, or… R: I should have known you’d say something like that. That’s the same attitude the Animal Control people took. C: You called Animal Control? R: Who else am I going to call? C: I don’t know. If it really is a virus, maybe you should have called a hospital or something. R: I’m sure the Emergency room would have the same reaction Animal Control did. C: Why, what did they say? R: The first time I called, they thought I was cranking them. The second time they told me to wait until the drugs wore off. Eventually I convinced them I wasn’t high or putting them on, but I’m pretty sure they still thought I was a nut job. C: So they didn’t help at all? R: The best they could do was suggest I spray some bactine under the door. C: No good? R: No. I think it just made it mad. C: This is crazy. Even if you did see it, how do you know it’s still there? R: I can hear it on the other side. C: Hear it doing what? R: Every now and then it kind of scratches at the door. Except it doesn’t really have claws, just those slimy tentacle things… C: Flagellum? R: I don’t know what you call them, I barely passed Biology. C: I keep telling you, you need to watch more educational television. R: Don’t start the Discovery Channel bullshit now! I’m trapped in my bathroom by a dog-sized germ cell! What am I going to do? C: Alright, calm down. I’ll be honest, Jimmy. I think you’re overreacting. R: Overreacting? C: Listen to me. Let’s just say that you aren’t completely insane, and the thing that you think is on the other side of the door isn’t just a stray dog or your own shadow. Think about it. Virus’ usually attack immune systems and blood cells, things like that. They don’t actually attack people themselves. Right? R: I guess. What’s your point? C: If, and I mean IF, there is a virus on the other side of the door, what’s the danger? It doesn’t have claws or legs, you said so yourself. I figure the worst it can do is bump up against your leg, in which case you can just drop-kick the thing into the wall and run away. R: You think so? C: I’m positive. I’ll stay on the phone with you if you feel safer, but I really think you should just open the door. R: And you’ll stay on the phone with me? C: I’m right here, buddy. Open the door and face this thing. What’s the worst it could be, Avian Flu? R: I couldn’t be that, it didn’t have wings. C: I don’t think that’s how it works… never mind, you’re right, it can’t even be that bad. Go on man, just do it! R: Okay! Hold on. *sound of door unlatched and opening* R: Hey there buddy, are you lost? *sounds of sudden scuffle followed by crunching sounds and screams* C: Jimmy? Jimmy! Are you okay? R: Mord! It’s a flesh eating virus! Help, it’s got my leg! AHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGG! C: Hang in there, Jimmy, I’ll be right there! *line disconnects*

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